I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
BRING THE BAGELS
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
