I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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