I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We talked him into tasing himself.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize