Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
