there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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