you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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