Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
