We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
