____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
