When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
