I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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