"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
