So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
