My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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