She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
