I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The uberlube is also flammable
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
