gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
