im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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