loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
cat food counts as protein by the way
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize
