I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
