I cannot find my penis.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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