idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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