God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
