Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
