Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
