Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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