if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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