I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
