i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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