Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
