how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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