I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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