I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
