I can text with my tongue
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
