I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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