I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize