You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
