I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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