dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
