I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
