Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
