You don't have asthma, your pregnant
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
