My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
