it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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