i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
