She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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