two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
