just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
