So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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