I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
