WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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