the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
