Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
