you have to choose: penises or morals?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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