Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
