Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
