I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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