I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
