im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
