I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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