i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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