Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
