tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
